Adullams Cave

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Simon the Rejected

I have not written for a while. Not a good look for someone who thought he would be SuperBlogger....he,he.

Ive been reading another post for quite some time and I was a very active member of that list also for several months. I found myself feeling hurt that no-one asked after me as I stopped posting there. I was still reading but just not sharing because of the personal space I happen to have been in, maybe still am in. I was also quite hurt and dissapointed that those who I had opened my life to through that list also never visited my blog when I started it, never left any comments or encouraged me whatsoever. I think one or maybe two people who I didnt know visited Adullams Cave once or twice.

Wow....As I write this I realise that the above is very real for me. I got hurt by them and stopped sharing. It is the person that I am. I am thin skinned in this area. I have a big heart and since walking into some awesome healing in the last few years by Big Goddy I have become quite a vulnerable person. I thought this healing would make me more like a man of steel with a sheild of exuberated love to protect me as I marched my way through the miry world. But nope - I ended up becoming a soppy, sensitive, easily hurt, woossy little boy. I am soft and squishy on the inside and still display old defensive patterns on the outside to protect me from all you meanies!

When I started on the said list I thought it would be this new and exciting journey as I was embracing and walking with others in the ethernet in ground breaking, cutting edge, revelation of the spirit, vibrant ex-church, reformation style..... Hmmm....bummer it turned out the way it did. I own a lot of it of course. The truth is I stopped being honest with them as I began to sense that some of my thoughts that I expressed made people feel uncomfortable. And some people told me they did. I seem to have been graced with that ability (hear the self pity?...blah!)

Anyway this story is the one of my life thus far. It has happened again and again, ad infinitum, at every church/christian group etc that I have walked in to - then out of. The result of this repetitive exercise has led me to two conclusions that I am convinced of:

1) I, all my life (much longer story), have suffered deeply from rejection and the Lord in his loving and gentle way has seen fit to allow these same circumstances over and over until I can find my whole and full acceptance in Him - as all that TRULY MATTERS. This has been both incredibly painful and incredibly joyful. I have a security now within myself and within him that I did not ever think I would be able to have this side of the New Jerusalem. Still I have further to go. The best is yet to come.


2) That I, together with the rest of the church and all the people who make up the church of Jesus Christ are just playing childrens games until we learn to love in practice. I dont now how yet....partly because of number 1) and partly because I have never been shown (except of course by him).

I wonder what it will look like when we find it and start giving it to one another with the same enthusiasm and quantity that we have shared all the lesser revelations that have amused us like tidliwinks for so long.


At 10:54 AM, Blogger bjk said...

For me...I couldn't can't give away what I didn't have....this love of and for Christ ...for God is new and I want to learn how to give it away and I 'think' there is going to be alot of pain involved....vulnerability will do that to us....

At 3:21 PM, Blogger Bar Bar A said...

I've missed reading your blog and have to admit I am a lot like you in the way you in some ways. I was in a recovery group for 5 months - never missed a meeting once. I felt bared my soul to that group of women and they did the same (there were only ten of them). Anyhow I quit going and not one person ever called to see if I was dead or alive, or whatever - not even the leader who had been a "friend" for about 5 years. I used it as an excuse to never to join a group again. Ironically I am deeper in my addiction now than I ever have been.

Anynow this has little do do with your post...or does it? I want to love love in practice - I want to see that in action.

Oh, by the way, I got "in trouble" for your agreeing with some of the thoughts you shared here - the type that make people "uncomfortable". :)

At 4:06 PM, Blogger Kenneth said...

Hi simon,i think we all have been in your shoe's.Our blog's give us such an opportuity to share the love and grace of God in christ.You never know whose is reading your blog my friend.I had a lady comment on my blog after month's of reading.The love and the grace of god our savior had been speaking to her heart for over a year and a half.She sharred with me the hurt and the pain that she had come throught.And i was just glad that i was there in the right place at the right time for her.
So be encouraged my friend and keep sharring your heart of grace,
continue in his love for you,

At 4:58 PM, Blogger BruceD said...

Congratulations! Welcome to the club!

You've just discovered the difference between the shallow, artificial, contrived relationships found in institutional settings... and the deep, genuine, honest relationships brought about by Kingdom life. Learn to recognize the difference, and you'll find new avenues of fellowship opening up all around you.

The fake relationships are quick, easy, convenient, and fun... until they fall apart because they did not come from substance. The real relationships are usually more difficult to find. They require some commitment of time and energy, and open up levels of honesty that are sometimes hard to deal with. But, they are worthwhile, because they have substance. They are the essence of life on this planet, and they reveal God at every turn.

Cling to the real, and abandon the false. But, first learn to know the difference.

At 5:47 PM, Blogger Lori said...

Stay real Simon, stay honest, stay humble but mostly stay IN HIM...

Leave you with this...

I pray that Christ will make his home in your heart through faith. I pray that you may have your roots and foundation in love, so that you may have the power to understand how broad and long, how high and deep, is Christ's love and know this love that surpasses knowledge/understanding--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Simon you shall be filled as you hunger and thirst for Him. Drink from His well.

In Him

At 10:20 PM, Blogger Paulo said...

Just so you know, you're the only blog I have as one of my multiply opening home pages each time I fire up Firefox. I've pretty much stopped looking at others. So it's funny that I've been coming here every day and waiting....
Ah, here you are again. Well, someone is interested in you, I guess. Who knows why. I think it's because I relate to who you are in myself.
My storyline of repeating patterns is different only in that I'm pretty much only going to get involved with people when God sticks me there through His inspiration and leading. I don't have it in me to stick my neck into places on my own. Can't bring myself to ever rely on people for anything anymore. If He wants me to be somewhere, He has to juice me up for it. I'm not goin otherwise. I think I stuck my neck out in this area tonight at my little home group where the topic was evangelism and "what would it look like for you to cross the desert to reach someone?" or something like that. The more I thought about it the more I said to myself, if God wants me to do something like that, He'll let me know. I'm not going to twist myself into a pretzel or guilt myself to try to imagine it. I'm a broken vessel that only He can make into a functioning servant for Him. I don't know how radical a concept this is, but it's the way this whole walk has progressed for me, and I'm sticking with it.
So anyway, you have my vote for best fool for Jesus. Congratulations!

At 4:12 AM, Blogger Simon said...

No what you mean Barb. Don't worry too much about your addiction (unless it is life threatening). Hand it over to the big fella. Trust in him! I have had several addictions that have afflicted different areas of my life and time and grace continues to allow me to let them go. Then I find a better quality addiction and so on...

Thanks Kenneth and Bruce... I hear the wisdom and depth in your words and sense the great grace he has given you both.

Love the prayer needeth all the prayer I can geteth.

Hey Paulo...Thank you for encouraging with me. You are on a very exciting journey and I love to hear the updates of how the Lord is leading you and what he is accomplishing in your life. You are on the right track and no matter what man will tell you from time to time it is the Lord who is showing you these things. Most of the thoughts of man ain't worth the shit they sail out on. . . :)

At 6:45 AM, Anonymous MMM said...

Hey. You're on my multitab list too, like Paulo said.

Drop on by the DOTR anytime. You're always welcome.

Oh, and feelings? They don't make you wussy.

They make you human. ;)

At 7:14 AM, Blogger Karen said...

That's a big hug.
I wish I could give all my blog buddies hugs. I used to be so I'm...squishy...
Simon, we're all the same, the hurts run deep in some of these issues.
It's hard when you disappear and no one says anything. It's hard to bare our souls. This is a vulnerable thing. We're all squishy inside!

At 9:22 AM, Blogger SteveW said...

Yep, I'm sitting here with big squishey. overly sensitive, been there-done that, tears in my eyes. I can sooooooo relate bro. Hang in there Simon. Your child-likeness may be some of the best spiritual growth I have seen.

At 9:08 AM, Blogger Bar Bar A said...

Just wanted to apologize for "posting" in your was really selfish to talk all about me.

Anyhow, I hope you do right more. I keep waiting for my bloglines to tell me that Simon posted!!!

Share your thoughts...and listen to what Bruce said in his post. He's right. I recognize some of your readers here and they are some that keep me writing.

(((((Simon))))) another hug !

At 9:57 AM, Blogger Simon said...

Hey BarB; It is not at all selfish sharing about you on the comments of this post, or any post. It is exactly the opposite. It is when we hold ourselves back from sharing, relating etc that we become selfish. So...thank you for sharing!

Yuppers Steve. Thanks mate!

At 2:13 PM, Blogger brian said...


I haven't read your blog until now. I saw a link from Bruce's YBMT to here and decided to check it out.

I know the rejection you're talking about. Felt it (feel it) all of my life. I still sometimes take it personally and think I'm just "weird" and no one really wants to be around me or really get to know me. But, I hear too many other people who really desire to form deep, meaningful relationships say the same thing. I just had a friend leave a church he and his wife were on staff for for years and hardly anyone asked why or tried to encourage them to stay. Just pretty much cordially said "good-bye". I could tell he was hurt by it.

I know I personally am overwhelmingly busy. I wish I could read more blogs and post more. I have my own blog which gets disappointingly little traffic or interaction.

No answers... Just wanted to let you know you're not alone. And, even though I don't know you, don't take the "rejection" personally. It's just the way of the world.


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